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Why do so many men not take no for an answer? Male entitlement I guess

I am in a hostel and I don’t feel safe here. There is a man who kept flirting with me and making kissy noises even after I told him I have a boyfriend and then he pretended he was going to lock me in the lift with him. He also touched me physically on the legs; I know male predators when I see them.

So instead, I’m staying up because I’m scared because this is what being a rape survivor is like.

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Uncategorized

Bipolar disorder and substance misuse

I have bipolar disorder but I am also a recovering alcoholic.

It was a gradual process. When I was 18 and going to clubs I drank so much I ended up throwing up the next day.

Then at university I would have one bottle of wine for pre drinks and then multiple rum and coke doubles or tequila shots and I was more drunk than everyone.

Once I had two bottles of wine at a party and threw up and then left with my best friend Will and continued to drink lots at the students union.

A fellow student told me he was concerned about the amount I was drinking.

Then when I came home from university I ended up drinking multiple doubles of gin and tonic about four times a week whilst my mother was out of the country.

I once ended up going to the GP after having drank six doubles and I was very drunk.

I stopped drinking for three months once I got depressed and then only had a drink this week as I have been manic and could not control myself.

I know my hardcore drinking also got worse after I was sexually assaulted.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, Mental Health, mental illness, Rape, sexual assault

The not guilty website is not letting me post so I’ll post about my rapes here

I don’t know if anyone knows about the great website http://notguiltycampaign.co.uk but I have posted on there many times about my rapes and I have posted my poetry. 

It’s been an off week for me with rape as I realised I was still following my second rapist and this made me very triggered and upset as I wanted him to know what a shit year I’ve had with my mental health and about my two suicide attempts.

I was talking to this guy from tinder and he seemed funny so I thought he was a catch but I probably missed warning signs as per usual.

On the date he purposefully got us absolutely wasted; we each had sixteen drinks and he paid for everything.

I have type 1 bipolar disorder anyway and I was very manic at the time so I was already very vulnerable at the time. I agreed to go to a hotel with him but probably just because I was so drunk and manic I didn’t know what I was doing.

I definitely didn’t consent to the sex because all I remember is him getting out a condom and assuming I was consenting and then I don’t even remember the start of the penetration. I do however recall him constantly trying to have sex with me and being a bit unsuccessful to start and it hurt so much. I really wanted it to stop but I was too drunk to make it stop. He tried to rape me again in my sleep and for some reason I had sex with him twice consensually after this a few hours later.

Another rape I want to bring up is after a night out when I had had far too much to drink and I can’t remember if I consented to the blow job and in fact I think I was far too drunk to consent anyway as I can hardly remember what happened.

Then six months after the oral rape I took an overdose and then four months later I took another overdose. I do have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder but I wouldn’t be surprised if these rapes have been contributing factors when it comes to my suicide attempts as after my virginity rape I almost jumped in front of a train.

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Mental Health, mental illness, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I think it’s important to do things at your own pace after rape

In many ways it feels like I have moved on from my rape over the past month. I haven’t cried about my rapist or rape or felt in a lot of emotional pain because of it. I have no longer been angry and moved by strong emotions related to my rapist. I haven’t called up the rape helpline or talked to someone about it. I have even decided that I don’t need therapy for the moment as I’ve already gone through all of my bad things in my past including my rape and I feel like going over things even more is just unhealthy.

And yet it seems my sex life is still affected by my rape even though I have emotionally moved on. Whereas three months after I was cerial dating and having heated make out sessions with people now I have no desire to date or have encounters with people whatsoever and I don’t know how long this will last. I just think I have to only do what I want to and feel comfortable doing at the time as if I make myself date because I feel I should want to as I’m young that that would be another violation. At this stage I don’t know if I will ever want to date again if I am honest as I have such a strong lack of interest in sex and dating and one of my male friends used to trigger me all of the time when I was with him. I am just going to give myself time and focus on my studies and getting back to university now.

 

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art, creative writing, Feminism, Human Rights, Mental Health, mental illness, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I will show my true colours as a warrior, a fighter, a soldier my whole life

You confidently put me in a position

And I naively watched as you drew closer to me.

Then shock as I felt a combination of pain and pleasure within.

Next disassociation as flight or flight response kicked in.

But then I raised my head and pushed with all my might your violent body away from mine.

Strongly, Powerfully, bravely I triumphed and stopped you from getting your wicked way with me.

Next time when you think you managed to have your four minutes of power over me

Remember you only had one and half or two before I stopped you from succeeding at your violent act.

I showed my true colours as a warrior, a fighter, a soldier at the time.

I will show my true colours as a warrior, a fighter, a soldier my whole life.

I am strong, I am brave, I am courageous.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

 

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art, creative writing, Feminism, Human Rights, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Sex is violence

My sexual slate is charcoal coloured-
Sex is about power,
Control,
Violence,
Force,
Coercion.
It is darker than the night
And there exists no light
Even from natural pleasure in the body
Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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art, creative writing, Feminism, Human Rights, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

How I long to be that pure rose again

They ripped my rose petals.
Each time I was stuck in a well,
I couldn’t escape.
I couldn’t stop them
And I didn’t stop them from doing the same to others.

Now I long to be that pure rose again
Because my petals were so cruelly corrupted.
They had no right to rob me of my choice,
To rob me of my innocence.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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