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On reading my own blog I find it difficult; it is so full of pain and suffering but that is only one part of my life

I have been reading over my own blog and I have found it difficult and I wonder whether I give an accurate representation of my life.

I write posts about my bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, my trauma and my suicidal thoughts and yet throughout all of this I find that I am still able to be happy and have good times with my friends and family even throughout the pain.

Ever since I’ve been on sodium valproate I have stopped rapid cycling so much and I have stopped feeling so emotional, intense and unable to cope with life; I’m getting better.

Yes I cry sometimes like anyone but I am no longer crying every single day and oscillating from bipolar mood swing in one day.

Yes I still get suicidal sometimes but I am reaching out for help now and not overdosing again like in mid-September.

I am coming out of a severe depression, I’ve stopped drinking so much and I’ve stopped taking drugs and now the only bad thing I do is smoke or smoke shisha. I very rarely even self harm now.

I feel like things are getting better for me and I am learning that I can’t do everything I want to do like take drugs and drink to excess because of my condition.

I still have bad days and recently as I’ve cut down on my substance abuse I’ve been feeling upset about my rapes but I can work on this with my new therapist to come and I am so thankful to have a fulfilled life with so many great friends and a supportive father and a great sister.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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The loss of my grandmother has put me in a bipolar depression and made me suicidal 

My grandmother passed away last week and the day after she passed away I lay in bed until 1:30pm extremely depressed. I became suicidal and started thinking about my rapes and how I wanted to kill myself because I’ve been raped.

I then smoked some cannabis to feel better when I saw people smoking outside. I felt okay for a few hours but once the high had worn off and I was coming home from a big city I got suicidal again and was thinking of overdosing and the urge was so strong.

It seemed my grandmother’s death really offset my borderline personality disorder.

Luckily I didn’t overdose but I came home for a week with my family feeling fragile and low and upset.

I even couldn’t go to my favourite burrito place because of the memories of the man I used to go with who I dated who also raped me.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

I took two overdoses but I’m not letting that stop me continue university 

This week I took two overdoses; one on Saturday and one on Tuesday but I am not letting that stop me stay on at university.

Yes, I am currently taking it easy with my studies but I am here and I am going to continue on and be okay.

I’m going home next Thursday to Sunday and I will see some of my home friends as well as family which will be good. 

Yes, it is hard but I refuse to give up. 

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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