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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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I am more in control of myself when I’m manic or suicidal

Don’t get me wrong, I still overspend when I’m manic and go travelling a lot but I have learnt to control myself and not dance with other boys or sleep with them because I have a boyfriend who I love.

Also, yes I still sleep a lot when I’m depressed and I don’t go out of the house for ages, but I have learnt how to deal with suicidal thoughts or urges.

The other day I just said to myself “No,No,No” when I had a suicidal urge and another time when I thought of taking an overdose I just thought to myself “my life has value”.

I am so proud of myself for thinking my life has value when I had a suicidal thought because that is the first time I did that so I really think I’m making progress.

I really think I am a strong young woman!

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The self destructive nature of bipolar disorder

With any other illness you would expect one would take the tablets every single day like with life threatening illnesses such as epilepsy or injections for diabetes but no bipolar disorder is an illness that renders the sufferers not only to being less like to take meds when they get manic because they feel good and don’t want to come down or perhaps they just think they don’t need them but they also in some cases start drinking and taking illicit drugs when this is absolutely NOT advised for bipolar because it can just make you very ill.

Not only that but we disappoint our loved ones with the fallouts of our manic episodes leaving ourselves even more isolated than we already were and sometimes we even cause massive ruptured in personal relationships that will never be resolved and lose many friends.

Not only all of this but the worst thing is that we continue to do these things over and over again without learning how to put things right both for our recovery, our substance misuse problems and our relationships.

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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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I wrote you a love poem but all you could say was thank you.

My expression of adoration rejected and everything’s the same

Except it isn’t –

The word friend is tattooed on my wrist.

You write poetry too 

But you would never say you love me

At least not like that.

I have a charm that says the words love

But no one to give it to.

You rejected my charm

And broke my heart

With all your head fucks-

All the times you flirted with me, 

that time you made a move on me.

People even saw that intense expression of love in your eyes

When you looked at me

But apparently I am just a friend.
Just a friend and I am fed up with men playing with my heart.

I am fragile and I have been broken and crushed by you and two others this year.

I don’t want to ever feel so dead inside again.

This heartache has broken me and now I just want to be alone.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 201

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder

The meds are finally working 

So after three years of being trialled on probably around 8 medications for bipolar I think they have finally found a cocktail which works. 

I am now on lithium carbonate, asenapine, sodium valproate and haloperidol and I have been stable for a week now. This is amazing as for the past three years I have pretty much not been stable at all and it’s the last time I’ve been stable since 2015.

I think this stability is genuinely going to last as I am going to keep taking my meds, this meds combo really seems to be working and I am going to keep the alcohol at a minimum of two beverages when I drink socially. 

As I am getting stable it means maybe I can actually do the second semester abroad after all if the university let me.

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art, creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I tread water daily

I don’t swim in the sea-

I almost drown daily

Because he took my rose

And crushed it with his force.
Rain falls frequently from my fragile face

Into the deep blue sea

Where I would almost sink

If it were not for my supreme strength within.

My red rose will continue to be empowered.

I cannot let him defeat me 

And so I tread water daily.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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