Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

My sister is saying she doesn’t want to hear about my mental health issues but I think we need to speak up

I’m finding it really hard now as my sister is saying she doesn’t want to support me with my mental health issues but she’s said she is a supportive friend.

She said two of her friends have been suicidal but now they are fine and only have a bad day occasionally. I think it’s unfair she’s comparing me to them because everyone is different and I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder so I’m always going to have problems with my health even though DBT therapy is really helping me overcome my overdose problem and I haven’t overdosed since February!

Also, I see problems in her unwillingness to discuss mental health as it’s really important to discuss mental health particularly when people get suicidal as you never know who someone will ten to or who someone has to turn to at that moment.

For example, if I were suicidal and in my family Home and only my sister were around I would have to turn to her.

A lot of people die because they don’t talk to people about suicidal thoughts as it is; we really need to be more open about mental health.

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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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I wrote you a love poem but all you could say was thank you.

My expression of adoration rejected and everything’s the same

Except it isn’t –

The word friend is tattooed on my wrist.

You write poetry too 

But you would never say you love me

At least not like that.

I have a charm that says the words love

But no one to give it to.

You rejected my charm

And broke my heart

With all your head fucks-

All the times you flirted with me, 

that time you made a move on me.

People even saw that intense expression of love in your eyes

When you looked at me

But apparently I am just a friend.
Just a friend and I am fed up with men playing with my heart.

I am fragile and I have been broken and crushed by you and two others this year.

I don’t want to ever feel so dead inside again.

This heartache has broken me and now I just want to be alone.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 201

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder

The meds are finally working 

So after three years of being trialled on probably around 8 medications for bipolar I think they have finally found a cocktail which works. 

I am now on lithium carbonate, asenapine, sodium valproate and haloperidol and I have been stable for a week now. This is amazing as for the past three years I have pretty much not been stable at all and it’s the last time I’ve been stable since 2015.

I think this stability is genuinely going to last as I am going to keep taking my meds, this meds combo really seems to be working and I am going to keep the alcohol at a minimum of two beverages when I drink socially. 

As I am getting stable it means maybe I can actually do the second semester abroad after all if the university let me.

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art, creative writing, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry, ptsd, Rape, sexual assault, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

I tread water daily

I don’t swim in the sea-

I almost drown daily

Because he took my rose

And crushed it with his force.
Rain falls frequently from my fragile face

Into the deep blue sea

Where I would almost sink

If it were not for my supreme strength within.

My red rose will continue to be empowered.

I cannot let him defeat me 

And so I tread water daily.

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, creative writing, Human Rights, Poème, Poemas, Poems, Poesia, Poetry

Unbearable waterfall

Sometimes my waterfall is too much to bear.

It’s breathtaking beauty rushes by too quickly-

Divine happiness never compensates for sadness.

No break from instability,

No end to this curse,

No relief.

How can I cope with the waterfall that is my mind? 

Copyright © Electra Rose January 2016

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Feminism, Human Rights, Journal, Rape, Sexual Violence, Uncategorized

Date Rape Is Rape

It seems to me from what I hear about in the news when it comes to rape and sexual assault that the people who open up about rape or are unwillingly exposed to whole communities often experience a whole torrent of victim blaming.

Many people victim blamed me by saying that I couldn’t get half naked with a man and not expect him to want sex. The funny thing is, do men normally stay half clothed like you are and just walk towards you on the bed slowly and at the last minute penetrate you without saying anything ? When it happened it was a total surprise and I was in complete shock to begin with before I was just confused. Luckily, I pushed him away after a bit. Yes, I feel I consented to the rest of the sexual activity before that but just because I consented to everything else before the rape doesn’t mean the penetration wasn’t rape. 

Someone also referred to stranger rape and said that if a stranger had forced themselves on me it would have been rape but because I was dating the guy and really liked him there was no way it could be rape.

Someone also said that they think I have a skewed idea about rape before I even told them what happened. 

People also need to be aware that just because he stopped if you pushed him off you or something doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape if you didn’t consent at all to what was happening before you pushed him away. 

I have been seriously sexually assaulted but not raped on many occasions whilst intoxicated before the rape. The response of many people is to tell me to cut down on my alcohol intake and stop drinking so much on nights out. Drinking doesn’t cause rape, people do! (Yes, women sometimes rape too) I completely disagree with them and think if anything what has made me more vulnerable than others to sexual violence is my naivety and tendency to trust people too easily.

This post just shows how  rife victim blaming is from my experience at least. Victim blaming is sometimes considered by rape and sexual assault survivors as worse than the rape and I completely agree. I was thinking of writing a suicide note to someone I really needed help from to deal with the aftermath of the rape because she completely disbelieved me and blamed me for my actions. 

In conclusion, I think societal attitudes really need to be changed as at least from my own experience it seems people still blame people for rape if they have some kind of sexual relationship with the person before or if the victim has been drinking. I also think it is really vital that everyone is taught about consent and the definitions of sexual assault so that we can work on preventing rape and sexual assault. 

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