Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

My sister is saying she doesn’t want to hear about my mental health issues but I think we need to speak up

I’m finding it really hard now as my sister is saying she doesn’t want to support me with my mental health issues but she’s said she is a supportive friend.

She said two of her friends have been suicidal but now they are fine and only have a bad day occasionally. I think it’s unfair she’s comparing me to them because everyone is different and I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder so I’m always going to have problems with my health even though DBT therapy is really helping me overcome my overdose problem and I haven’t overdosed since February!

Also, I see problems in her unwillingness to discuss mental health as it’s really important to discuss mental health particularly when people get suicidal as you never know who someone will ten to or who someone has to turn to at that moment.

For example, if I were suicidal and in my family Home and only my sister were around I would have to turn to her.

A lot of people die because they don’t talk to people about suicidal thoughts as it is; we really need to be more open about mental health.

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Perhaps true recovery and progress comes from within

Over the past four years of struggling with not just mental illness but severe mental illness I have often depended on medication and my therapy to get me better.

For years I kept hoping the medication was what would help me get better and then when I found out about my borderline personality disorder in 2017 I thought it was therapy that was the answer.

I believe ultimately I was right that these two things would help me get better but I also needed to want to get better myself and try to get better myself. After my last post I went to a hospital and before I got better I got worse.

I cut myself with a plastic cup as part of a start of a suicide attempt.

However after a couple of days I decided that I didn’t want to harm myself and ever since every time that I feel like overdosing or harming myself seriously I think to myself that I don’t want to harm myself and I have the strength not to. It is not therapy that gave me this strength but myself.

Things are not perfect. I am on antidepressants and they are making me very anxious and I am not taking my medication frequently and I’m not sure why but I’m okay.

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It’s been a shit couple of weeks but things are looking up

So since I’ve last posted I’ve been in a bipolar depressive episode and I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and go to my university classes but the past couple of weeks I’ve been going to class again and feeling better.

It’s been a rollercoaster couple of weeks because my friend took an overdose and I had to deal with it and tell the university about him because he wasn’t getting help and it was getting too much for me.

I got suicidal a couple of weeks ago and had to have an emergency assessment but he sent me away and I was fine.

The university told me maybe I should take time out of university because of my mental health and this left me devastated but luckily the day after they said I didn’t need to and anyway I’ve found out I’m not allowed anymore leave of absences because I’ve already taken two years out.

On top of that I was told that I might fail one of my modules due to poor attendance but the university sorted it out for me and now everything is fine.

I went to Harley Street yesterday to see a psychiatrist and he said that he would find me a psychologist to help me with my borderline personality disorder as I have been struggling without the support of a psychologist.

I am in a better place now even though I’ve been a bit manic and have been recklessly restricting my eating and contacting people I cut out of my life.

I’m just feeling positive that the psych has said he can help me.

I saw almost all my home friends at once yesterday and I feel happy.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

You tell me I’m strong but I don’t feel strong 

My friend sent me this message: So wanted to thank you again for your example of battling through tough times and feeling comfortable in your own skin without makeup etc

I appreciate the sentiment but the fact is for the past few days every single night I’ve been thinking of slitting my wrists and overdosing. I have never been so suicidal and felt so awful in my life.

It’s hard and it feels like to be honest that I will give up at some point in the next 7 years by the time I’m thirty just like Sylvia Plath . I know that’s not what you want to hear but it’s the truth.

I have been through so much pain in my life including a lot of abuse and rape that it is only natural that along with my borderline personality disorder and my bipolar disorder that I want to die. 

I don’t fucking feel strong at all right now and I can’t say that to my friend. I learnt a fucking prayer tonight to try and stop me from killing myself.

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Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, Mental Health, mental illness, sexual assault, Sexual Violence

I almost killed myself last night 

Last night after I wrote my post about the romanticisation of suicide and in particular the romanticisation of wrist cutting with intent to kill I kept thinking about it and then I went to the kitchen and was so close to doing it it was almost that the only thing that stopped me from going over to the knives was my instinct to live because I can sure as hell tell you it was not anything else.

Anyway, I called my hospital helpline in the morning and called my psychiatrist in the afternoon and she has increased one of my antipsychotics which I wasn’t even taking and she has told me I’m in a mixed affective state right now so both manic and suicidal.

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