Bipolar, bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder, depression, mania, Mental Health, mental illness

My sister is saying she doesn’t want to hear about my mental health issues but I think we need to speak up

I’m finding it really hard now as my sister is saying she doesn’t want to support me with my mental health issues but she’s said she is a supportive friend.

She said two of her friends have been suicidal but now they are fine and only have a bad day occasionally. I think it’s unfair she’s comparing me to them because everyone is different and I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder so I’m always going to have problems with my health even though DBT therapy is really helping me overcome my overdose problem and I haven’t overdosed since February!

Also, I see problems in her unwillingness to discuss mental health as it’s really important to discuss mental health particularly when people get suicidal as you never know who someone will ten to or who someone has to turn to at that moment.

For example, if I were suicidal and in my family Home and only my sister were around I would have to turn to her.

A lot of people die because they don’t talk to people about suicidal thoughts as it is; we really need to be more open about mental health.

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Everything is going well but I’m still really depressed

I’ve got a great boyfriend and friends and my family and I’m going back to university next year at a university closer to home and yet I still feel so fucking depressed.

It’s been months since my grandmother passed away so I know it’s not this and so I know it must just be a bipolar depression.

At first I was not just depressed but also psychotic and I was getting paranoid that my boyfriend was cheating, that he had raped me, that my phone was lying to me, and then I started to feel scared in public and unsettled and I thought I was going to hurt myself and then I was scared I would hurt others. Then a couple of days ago I got paranoid that my boyfriend was dead in the toilet after he took too long to go to the toilet.

My psychiatrist thinks my cannabis use could have caused my psychosis but it’s been over a month since I’ve been taking any drugs.

I have never been more scared in my life except when I had auditory hallucinations a few times during full blown mania.

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Perhaps true recovery and progress comes from within

Over the past four years of struggling with not just mental illness but severe mental illness I have often depended on medication and my therapy to get me better.

For years I kept hoping the medication was what would help me get better and then when I found out about my borderline personality disorder in 2017 I thought it was therapy that was the answer.

I believe ultimately I was right that these two things would help me get better but I also needed to want to get better myself and try to get better myself. After my last post I went to a hospital and before I got better I got worse.

I cut myself with a plastic cup as part of a start of a suicide attempt.

However after a couple of days I decided that I didn’t want to harm myself and ever since every time that I feel like overdosing or harming myself seriously I think to myself that I don’t want to harm myself and I have the strength not to. It is not therapy that gave me this strength but myself.

Things are not perfect. I am on antidepressants and they are making me very anxious and I am not taking my medication frequently and I’m not sure why but I’m okay.

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You asked for space, I got suicidal

Today I’m suicidal because my friend asked me for space. With my borderline personality disorder I struggle to deal with change and potential breakups.

The things that stopped me trying to end my life with a lithium overdose were my boyfriend and the fact that I would have to pay money for the cab back from the hospital if I survived.

This whole thing with my best friend is hurting me so much that I may have to end it if I keep getting suicidal about it to protect my own mental health.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Two weeks ago I tried to kill myself twice

Two weeks ago I took an overdose of alcohol and benzos again hoping it would work again. It didn’t and I went to the emergency department but they just sent me home.

Then I went home and the next day I wanted to overdose on lithium. I thought about it a lot but I spent time with a friend.

The next day I thought about it after having a drink with a friend and the thought was just so strong I had to give in. But my friend called me whilst I was taking pills so he saved my life.

This time I was kept overnight in the hospital for observation of my physical health. All the tests were okay because I hadn’t taken too much as my friend had called me.

Then I went home to my parents from university and thought about slitting my wrists and jumping in front of trains so it was then that my father and I knew I needed to be in hospital.

As the NHS weren’t listening to me and wouldn’t hospitalise me we went private.

I am now feeling a lot better after a week of being in hospital.

I went out today but didn’t think of jumping in front of trains.

The only reason I can think of for why I have been feeling this way is that I was raped not long before.

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It’s been a shit couple of weeks but things are looking up

So since I’ve last posted I’ve been in a bipolar depressive episode and I’ve been struggling to get out of bed and go to my university classes but the past couple of weeks I’ve been going to class again and feeling better.

It’s been a rollercoaster couple of weeks because my friend took an overdose and I had to deal with it and tell the university about him because he wasn’t getting help and it was getting too much for me.

I got suicidal a couple of weeks ago and had to have an emergency assessment but he sent me away and I was fine.

The university told me maybe I should take time out of university because of my mental health and this left me devastated but luckily the day after they said I didn’t need to and anyway I’ve found out I’m not allowed anymore leave of absences because I’ve already taken two years out.

On top of that I was told that I might fail one of my modules due to poor attendance but the university sorted it out for me and now everything is fine.

I went to Harley Street yesterday to see a psychiatrist and he said that he would find me a psychologist to help me with my borderline personality disorder as I have been struggling without the support of a psychologist.

I am in a better place now even though I’ve been a bit manic and have been recklessly restricting my eating and contacting people I cut out of my life.

I’m just feeling positive that the psych has said he can help me.

I saw almost all my home friends at once yesterday and I feel happy.

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I would have taken another overdose to get therapy on the NHS

Today I went to see what letters I had at the reception of my accommodation and much to my dismay there was no letter about me finally getting a psychologist on the NHS.

I took two overdoses in mid September so you would have thought that I was a priority but apparently not.

I have never felt so desperate but luckily I called up a private therapy line and my parents agreed to pay.

I want to finally sort out my borderline personality disorder so I don’t get urges to overdose.

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