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Guaranteed help at A&E to prevent avoidable deaths from suicide – Petitions

Guaranteed help at A&E to prevent avoidable deaths from suicide – Petitions
— Read on petition.parliament.uk/petitions/231772

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I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better

I’ll just have a cigarette so I feel better,

I’ll just have some shisha so I feel better,

I’ll just have a drink so I feel better,

I used to smoke weed to feel better,

I used to sleep with lots of guys to feel better,

I used to overdose to feel better.

Now I travel to feel better,

But is it just an escape?

And what have I been escaping all these months?

Am I still damaged from 2016?

I just don’t know so I continue to travel to feel better,

To try and find something better.

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I’m drowning

New post for memoir: 2nd of December: I’m drowning and I can’t get up

I’m drowning and I can’t get out of this state. This is what it feels like when you’re in a severe depressive episode from bipolar; you can’t get up from shore and most of the time you just sit or lie there hoping that eventually you will find the mental strength to swim.

Today I will go to Pret A Manger and get some lunch but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m still drowning; drowning so much that I can’t face my friends and the only people I’ve really spoken to recently are my parents and my sister and my boyfriend.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up so I take one more antidepressant than I should in the hopes that this will help things.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up and yet I still miss my meds.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up and yet I still sleep through the days when my psychologist tells me I shouldn’t do this.

I’m drowning so even though I love Bojack Horseman I don’t even want to watch another episode today.

I’m drowning so all I want is hugs and cups of tea and cigarettes.

I’m drowning so I don’t even dare drink because I am almost paralysed in this state; drinking is definitely not worth it.

I’m drowning and the hardest part is some people don’t understand and never will understand what it feels like when your soul is suffocated in darkness.

I’m drowning and I can’t get up but yet I know because this has happened so many times before that this will not be forever and I will eventually have the mental energy and strength and I will get up and see my friends and get a job.

Copyright © Electra Rose December 2018

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Guess I’ve just got a lust for life and I can’t wait for my exciting travels

Don’t get me wrong I am ill but yet still I have a lust for life and I don’t want to die anymore:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=eP4eqhWc7sI

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I lost the girl who called herself my best friend yesterday

I posted a while ago about how upset I was when my friend asked for space from me and we have had constant arguments since and not been taking.

We were supposed to be best friends but now I realise only the friends I’ve made at school and university have stayed true to me.

My best friend from primary school and my best friend from a family friend both left me when I started to get ill in 2014 with bipolar and most of my friends from bipolar support group have left me when I got unstable with borderline personality disorder even though I’m fine now.

I am just realising that I’ve been focusing on the wrong people and even my friend from the psychiatric hospital is flakey and not a good friend.

I am feeling very sad that I’ve lost a good friend but I know this is in part my borderline personality disorder. However I am happy to have reconnected yesterday with other true friends.

I feel like the friend I lost wasn’t a true friend as they never are if you lose them.

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Perhaps true recovery and progress comes from within

Over the past four years of struggling with not just mental illness but severe mental illness I have often depended on medication and my therapy to get me better.

For years I kept hoping the medication was what would help me get better and then when I found out about my borderline personality disorder in 2017 I thought it was therapy that was the answer.

I believe ultimately I was right that these two things would help me get better but I also needed to want to get better myself and try to get better myself. After my last post I went to a hospital and before I got better I got worse.

I cut myself with a plastic cup as part of a start of a suicide attempt.

However after a couple of days I decided that I didn’t want to harm myself and ever since every time that I feel like overdosing or harming myself seriously I think to myself that I don’t want to harm myself and I have the strength not to. It is not therapy that gave me this strength but myself.

Things are not perfect. I am on antidepressants and they are making me very anxious and I am not taking my medication frequently and I’m not sure why but I’m okay.

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bipolar disorder, Borderline personality disorder

Two weeks ago I tried to kill myself twice

Two weeks ago I took an overdose of alcohol and benzos again hoping it would work again. It didn’t and I went to the emergency department but they just sent me home.

Then I went home and the next day I wanted to overdose on lithium. I thought about it a lot but I spent time with a friend.

The next day I thought about it after having a drink with a friend and the thought was just so strong I had to give in. But my friend called me whilst I was taking pills so he saved my life.

This time I was kept overnight in the hospital for observation of my physical health. All the tests were okay because I hadn’t taken too much as my friend had called me.

Then I went home to my parents from university and thought about slitting my wrists and jumping in front of trains so it was then that my father and I knew I needed to be in hospital.

As the NHS weren’t listening to me and wouldn’t hospitalise me we went private.

I am now feeling a lot better after a week of being in hospital.

I went out today but didn’t think of jumping in front of trains.

The only reason I can think of for why I have been feeling this way is that I was raped not long before.

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